Embrace the Chaos

We gave up television about 5 years ago. And I will never go back. After a few months without it, I wondered how we ever had time to watch anything on TV in the first place. There were walks to be had, books to be read, better, more healthy meals to be made, and, perhaps most importantly, quiet time to be savored. I have come to really appreciate and revel in quiet. And when I say quiet, I don't mean that my home is silent. Let's be real here. I have four kids, ages 8, 5, 4, and 2. Silence is a rarity in my home. And it's not always necessary. My children will tell you that some of our favorite times are our "dance parties" in the kitchen, where we turn up the radio and all go crazy busting out our best dance moves! But some of my most treasured moments as a mother are when all of the games, movies, fans, radios, and cell phones are silenced, and nothing is to be heard but the sounds of my children, laughing, playing, and yes, sometimes screaming and whining. I take a deep breath and with that breath, I try and take in all of the beauty that surrounds me. I know this may sound odd, but it really has helped me stay calm in the midst of the craziness of having four little children. Many of you who know me are well aware of my personal motto that I adopted after little Jonah was born: "Embrace the chaos." When things get crazy, and chaos abounds, it helps me immensely to just close my eyes and find gratitude in the noise...find gratitude for these precious little monsters. :) Because my life would be empty without those noises. It would be empty without the yelling, laughing, crying, stomping, begging, hugging, hitting, giggling chaos.

PS  One of my very favorite quotes is from the book Mitten Strings for God, which I highly recommend. It says, "When I come to a stop myself, when I draw a circle of stillness around me, my children are drawn into that peaceful place. They visibly relax, as if my very calmness nourishes them. The impact of just a few minutes of quiet attention can be profound, changing the mood of an entire day, restoring equilibrium to a distressed child, and to a frazzled mother as well."

What's in a Name?

Figured I should let my readers know that there's another change I've made recently...I'm changing the spelling of my name from Toby to Tobi.  :-)  Here's how it happened....
We were sitting in mediation and the mediator asked, "Do you want to change your name back to your maiden?" And I said, "yes" and he said, "Do you want to change anything else about your name?"  And I was like, "HUH?  Didn't know I could..." and I said, "No thanks."  And then I got to thinking...I've always hated the masculine spelling of my name...so I called my Dad and told him that I had the oppurtunity to change it and I thought it would be cool to finally spell it the feminine way, but only if he was ok with it because it wasn't a big enough deal to me if he didn't want me to and he was like, "I couldn't care less! Do it!" So I called the mediator and told him that I wanted to change it to Tobi.  :-)  Maybe I won't get quite so much mail for Mr. Toby Bushman anymore.  hehe

Divorce and the Disease.

Well, this is a post I've been avoiding for a long time.  To be perfectly honest, it's humiliating.  I have put on a "happy marriage" face for a long, long time and my blog has been no exception. It's been a rough few months to say the least.  I've been under a lot of stress and undergone a lot of heartache, as have my children and my soon-to-be ex-husband.  But I'm thankful to report that my symptoms have been surprisingly few for the amount of stress I've been under.  Getting used to life as a single mother, accepting the failure of my 9-year marriage, moving out of our beautiful home into a small apartment, and trying to figure out how to survive on what little money I have, among other things, has been incredibly difficult.  There are days where I just want to lay in bed and cry, and yet, my four precious children need me.  They need me to be strong, and positive, and courageous.  These sweet kids have kept me going.  They are my motivation...my purpose.  I am so blessed to have them. 
I have decided to return to the Swank diet.  I went on the Swank diet a few years ago because my neurologist thought it would help me.  I was on it for about 9 months.  And help me it did.  Then I got pregnant with Jonah, and never really went back to it.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the lifestyle, it's basically a fat free diet with a few other details.  There is plenty of info at http://www.swankmsdiet.org/.  Want to start together?  Join me!  Let me know how you're doing!  We can help each other. 

Big Day for Thomas

Sorry, I'm really bad at figuring out how to arrange these pictures.  We had Thomas' preschool graduation yesterday and it was so cute.  He did great and was really happy and proud of himself.  Thomas is such a special little guy.  He's incredibly tenderhearted and he's got a definite fear of being vulnarable or embarassed in any way.  So I was so proud of him for staying up there with his class and singing all of the songs, and just smiling when people clapped and laughed at the cuteness of it all.  He's come a long way this year and I couldn't be more proud.  His teachers, Ms. Lindsay and Mrs. Webb have been amazing and I'm sure he will miss seeing them.  I love you Thomas!!!

 

Random Pictures of Recent Happenings

Here are a few pictures I just uploaded from my phone. 

The kids had a car wash and started with the go-kart.  Then they helped their daddy wash the van.  Funny how exciting this is for little kids.  They had so much fun.

 They love bubble baths.

 I got to go with Chandler on his fieldtrip to the zoo.  We had a blast!  He's on the far left.

 Caught Anna and Jonah sitting like this watching a movie and had to take a picture. 

 This was Jonah during family prayer tonight.  He is such a character.  Wore that medal around his neck and a head band in his hair all day today.  He's hilarious.  I know, I shouldn't be taking pictures during prayers but I couldn't help myself.  haha

 And Thomas learned to tie his shoes!  So proud of my litte man. 



Meds.

Several of you have emailed me asking for a list of medications that I take.  Only one of them is a medication actually and the rest are supplements, but here you go.  I definitely feel a difference when I do not take my handful of pills each night and these are all of the things my neuro has recommended that I take:

4.5 mg Low Dose Naltrexone
15000 IU Vitamin D3
2500 mg Omega-3 Fatty Acids (fish oil)
15 mcg Vitamin B12
1 capsule Acidophilis
Multivitamin
1200 mg Calcium

Before I started taking Low Dose Naltrexone (or LDN) about 3 years ago, some part of my body was always numb.  It was usually my left leg that felt heavy and numb, and for a lot of months, I found myself having to sort of drag it along.  But I literally never deal with numbness anymore.  I am amazed.  It also helps a lot with energy level.  If you want more info on LDN, I recommend http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/.  LDN has shown amazing results with all kinds of diseases, as well as with infertility.  It's also incredibly inexpensive.  Anyway, hope this helps. 

Mothers Day

Mother's Day used to be a very difficult day for me.  My mother was not a super-star role model.  Anyone who knows my story knows that's an understatement.  :-)  And so it was always a holiday I sort of dreaded, not because I felt bad for myself, but because I didn't like others feeling bad for me.  I've always hated being pitied.

Now, having been blessed with children of my own, Mother's Day is something I look forward to and love.  Jake was at work that morning and I really didn't expect the kids to know at all that it was Mothers Day, but sure enough, they showed up bright and early and brought be breakfast in bed that they made all by themselves.  Two pieces of toast with butter and a bowl of cookies and cream ice cream.  Best breakfast I ever had.  I sat there and ate my breakfast truly grateful for these precious souls that have been entrusted to my care.  Oh how blessed am I.  I didn't think to take a picture until after my food was all gone, but you get the point:) haha.

Then when Jake got home, of course he spoiled me rotten.  Always does.  I have so much to be thankful for.  My heart just overflows with love and gratitude to my Father in Heaven and I cannot help but get teary when I think of all the blessings in my life.