Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Small Setback

Yesterday was a depressing day. I came to terms with the fact that my symptoms were returning.
On Thanksgiving Day, my back felt like it had spiders crawling all over it. This lasted two days. And the other day, my eyes started making things look like they were moving when they weren't. And on Monday when I ran my usual distance on the treadmill, I felt super dizzy, drained, and lightheaded afterwards, just like I used to. My neck has been hurting for the past few days and yesterday my left leg was just as weak as it used to be. This morning my left leg is weak, and my right leg is in a lot of pain.
I cried myself to sleep last night with my sweet husband rubbing my back and running his fingers through my hair. It's terrifying. All of a sudden, I'm back to being afraid for my future. I feel like I'm starting all over on how to get through the day. And I feel like I've forgotten how to fake it and push through like I used to.
I called the doctor yesterday who has been performing procedures here in Utah and the receptionist told me I can't be seen until January 7th. This means I'm going to have to deal with this stupid disease for the 19 days we're in Germany. I was so hoping he could just get me in and fix it before I left. I'm flying to Germany with four kids by myself, and I felt fine about it until now. I've been so short with my children the past few days. It's so much more difficult to be a patient, fun, loving mommy when I don't feel well. But it's not fair to them.
I hope and pray that this is just my veins closing again, and that the problem is still fixable. When I was in Costa Rica, they told me that I had May Thurner's Syndrome, where the left iliac vein is compressed by the right iliac artery, and after they ballooned it, they told me that it was just a matter of time before it would close again. So I'm pretty confident that this is what's happening. I just need to get in and get it fixed!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I'm so sorry this is so jumbled and unorganized. Thanks for bearing with me. It's been therapeutic for me to just write. Thanks to so many of you for your love and support. I'm done with my pity party and I'm ready to keep fighting.


  1. Praying for you, Toby!
    Your story is giving me hope for my future with this stupid disease. Keep the faith and Happy Holidays!

  2. Hang in there, Toby! You are wonderful and strong and we love you and are praying for you!

  3. I am sorry for the setback, Toby. You are so amazing! I hope your trip is still enjoyable and that, in January, you will find more relief. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Praying for you and you sweet family.

  4. I am so sorry! :( I can't imagine what you have been thinking. You are such a sweet mom. Good Luck on your travels and I hope you and your family have a delightful time. I"ll keep you in my prayers.

  5. Always in my thoughts and prayers... you and your adorable family!!!
    I lost your number. Will you PLEASE call me? 801-318-3279
    I miss talking with you.

  6. Oh Toby I am so sorry! You put on such a strong face for everyone, you are truly a remarkable woman. Our prayers will be with you and your sweet family. Love you so much!